Sunday, April 15, 2012

Pregnancy Meltdown

I can't quite remember if I had one of these last go around, but I certainly had one yesterday.  Liam made an innocuous joke about dieting, which was directed at me and I just about lost it.  The rest of the day was spent with me doing some serious dialoguing in my head and just feeling really sad.  I've been making so many plans for working out after pregnancy and I can't wait to get to them, but knowing how far I am from my goal is really depressing.  It all culminated with me having a sob fest in bed and trying to get Liam to sleep in the spare room, which he usually does on Saturday nights to rest up for work.  Needless to say it didn't work, he knew I was upset and I'm sure my tears made him feel terrible even though they had a lot more to do with me than what he actually said.  So I'm a crazy hormonal mess and my newest freakout, other than weight, is that I won't finish my papers before I have the baby.  Z was one day late, so I feel like I have so much time, but s/he could arrive any day now at this point. 

I feel like I've been pregnant for the past 2+ years with my body not actually belonging to me between pregnancy and breastfeeding.  I can't wait for my body to feel like it's actually mine again and not community property.  While I will be breastfeeding this time around again, I am determined to get to the gym/workout dvds/just walking as soon as possible after having this baby.  Starting 2 months after baby day, in July, I'm starting a lifestyle change (I hate diets and even when I was at my smallest and lost 30lbs in college I never went on one) and working out at least 5 days/wk.  Working at this pace I should be at my goal by July 2013.  It's a whole year away and I'm just hoping that there isn't some kind of catastrophic birth control failure that has me knocked up again during that year.  In my family, with our historical fertility, it is completely and totally possible and freaks the hell out of me.  One that note, back to writing...

6 comments:

  1. >>>I feel like I've been pregnant for the past 2+ years with my body not actually belonging to me between pregnancy and breastfeeding.

    100% with you on that. Hang in there!

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  2. I had the exact same melt down yesterday, and the hubby never gets that jokes don't help when your body feels big, slow, and unattractive. I cannot wait to be done so I can get re committed to getting back in shape and feeling sexy again. Right now I feel anything but. I am looking forward to following you on your journey. Maybe it will help me when my time comes. Otherwise, hope you're feeling better and good luck with everything.

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  3. I hate that feeling. :( But I like how you're turning it into a positive plan with discernible, realistic goals.

    Also: the Mirena. It is wonderful.

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  4. @BFF: Yeah, I can't wait to feel like me again. As much as I love these little peanuts, I can't wait for a margarita!

    @BeeBeeZfa: Yeah, I'm certainly looking forward to working out and getting in shape in a month or so. We'll get there!

    @AAL: As long as I can get Mirena out here, I'm all over it! I've heard wonderful things.

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  6. Four days before my c-section I was at the grocery store when the man standing behind me in the check-out line said to me, "Wow, you're as big as a house. That's a compliment." OMG, I was so angry! I smiled, quickly paid for my groceries then ran to my car where I sobbed for 20 minutes. I'm thinking the weight freak-out is normal. Pregnancy basically sucks. But you're almost done!!

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